That evening I went down to get some groceries and saw her at the same place buying veggies. I again struck a conversation with her trying to get her know more. I was asking her how to make a veggie and she offered to help me with the instructions as I mentioned I stay alone and don’t know how to cook very well. She told me that she will put her son to bed and then come over as her husband was out playing cards with his friends. I knew this was my chance. I cut the vegetables and was waiting for her eagerly.Around 9, she came home. She was wearing a sleeveless and leggings. I could see her pink bra as it was sticking out of her sleeveless t-shirt. She entered and saw my house and started smiling. I had beer bottles and my house was smelling of cigarettes.R: You live like a real bachelor. I used to have fun before my wedding but my husband cannot take the smell of cigarettes.M: You can have one, I won’t tell anyone. You can eat something before you go so your husband won’t know. But I also recalled how that carefree sensuality had been crippled by my mother’s malice.One evening as they’d romped around, mother had entered the room and had spoken with such sudden icy spite... ‘Stop it! Get off him Valerie! You should be past this sort of thing now my girl!’In that instance I knew what was implied; our activity was not decent.Something precious had been replaced by a guilt complex. It had also induced a deep sense of shame into my sexuality.Much later in married life, I discovered that only a guilt-ridden fantasy of Dan allowed me to climax fully.For me sex was a cocktail which included a shot of Dan and a shot of Shame.But since my husbands death, all that had been forgotten: until Dan had came to stay with us.While I stare into the darkness of the window I become aware of the reflection that’ s before me; of the two of them on the floor behind me. I smile at the quirk of it, like watching a hidden camera. Jez is squirming on the floor underneath Dan.Kneeling.
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